Mixtape

Anyway, honey, there was this boy I met back in college. You wouldn't have liked him, he was the kind of boy who never washed the back of his neck. I know for a fact you hate that type. No, baby, it's not that you're picky, I just wish- Anyway, this boy, his name was Julian. He was very skinny, a little bit of a shrimp. I met him when I was pretending to be studious in the library. I'm on to you, sweetheart. Your mother was young once. He nearly ran me over because he was in such a hurry to get somewhere, I don't know, but you can just imagine. I was walking into one of the aisles and he comes out of nowhere with his backpack and his floppy hair like a raging bull. He was very polite though and he picked up my books and said "JESUS! Sorry, sorry," then went back on storming his path. I saw him again a couple of weeks after in mass. It was Ash Wednesday in school so there were no classes the time the mass was held. Oh, Angela, it would be lovely if you could start going back to- Well, okay, I'm not really imposing anything on you. That would be terribly hypocritical of me. But I'm just saying. Anyway. Where was I. Oh yes.

I saw him in mass. He looked scragglier than ever, with his hands shoved into his pockets the whole time and that hair. I doubt the priest could even make it to his forehead. I was behind him in the line and when he turned around after receiving the cross, I couldn't even make out an inch of skin above his eyes. He had nice eyes though. I could tell. Very wise and sad. They were dark brown and caught light at every angle, but it was unfortunate because almost everything was covered by that awful hair. But he nodded at me, or at least I think he did. And after that day I kept seeing him a whole lot at school.

We finally got to talk when we became classmates in Philosophy and that was about the time I started seeing your father. Julian was actually quieter than I had expected since that first meeting in the library, but he was very nice and he made me laugh. I just hated that hair. Awful. He held my books for me sometimes and lent me his notes, which consisted of 15% actual notes and 85% drawings of the backs of people leaning against chairs. To me, he was one of the friends you made in college that you remember once in a while when you're older, but never really make an effort to look for anyhow. Well, yes, I know it sounds cruel, but you're much too young and idealistic about your friendships to understand. Talk to me again when you're in college, honey.

One time, we walked to class together and as soon as we opened the door to the room, another classmate of ours walked out, yelling "He's not coming to class!!" Well, I had nothing else to do for the day and your father wouldn't be out for another hour, so I stayed with Julian in the cafeteria, where he usually waited for his classes. He bought me an iced tea and a bag of chips, then he sat down in front of me with his floppy hair covering one whole side of his face. I wanted to reach out and tuck that hair back but we weren't friendly enough to do that with each other without it seeming awkwardly affectionate. Then he sighed very loudly and fished for something in his backpack.

"Here," he said, producing a cassette tape from his bag. He plopped it in front of me, looked at me, then suddenly stood up and left. To this day, I still have no clear idea of what had happened.

That night, after fighting with your father on the phone, I took out the tape from my own bag and put it into my cassette player. I was never really the kind of person who had to be listening to music all the time or else I would keel over and die but since that night, I wouldn't stop listening to the songs he had put on that tape. I borrowed my brother's Walkman the next day and went to school with one of those ridiculously large headphones covering my ears, just listening.

I showed up for Philosophy the next week and found his seat empty. Our professor announced that Julian had taken an indefinite leave of absence right before diving into Kant and Von Hildebrand. The next day, we found out that he had jumped off the roof of the building where his mother worked. There was no note or anything like that.

I still have it in one of my drawers. It's obsolete in this day and age, but I still like holding on to it. Now this is a secret, so don't you ever tell anyone, especially your father. I loved Julian. I loved him since the day he almost broke my bones running me over and I still loved him when he jumped off and broke my heart.

You never really do understand how the heart behaves. It's the most fickle thing in the world, sweetheart, so don't you ever trust it for a second.